It Takes A Village, and A Lot of Wine

As most of us know, when on Facebook, our “friends” can add us to any group they want to. One day you'll be minding your own business scrolling through your timeline and BAM! All of a sudden you are getting posts from Death Metal Ninja Monkeys because some well meaning friend thought it was a group you just had to be a part of. I am normally not amused when I find myself joined up with groups like this. I’m sorry, but I don't support Killing Kittens For The Dark Side, or whatever group someone else thinks I might like. My ideal group would be something along the lines of Golden Girls Salty Guide To Life, or People Who Like Their Dog Better Than Other People, something like that.

Well, I got added to a group. Oh joy.

When I realized a good friend of mine had added me to a mommy group on Facebook. It didn't really bother me since I had been an active Mommy to two children, although my kids have all grown up and are making their own lives outside of my grasp. It stung just a little, as I had only recently lost my children to adulthood, but I didn't bother un-joining, I just left it alone. I'm really glad I did. These women are the funniest, most real moms I have ever met in cyberspace. Best of all, there are no Sancti-mommies. No one blinks when someone calls their toddler an asshole, because let's face it, they are. We laugh at ourselves and at our idiot teenagers, bitch about our partners and send glitter dicks to people who are undeserving of the oxygen it takes to keep them alive.

I have come to see that the group mascot seems to be the elusive Mermaid Caticorn, because we all deserve to have a majestic spirit-animal cheering us on when the kids are acting like tiny sociopaths. Which reminds me that I just found out today, through this group of informed members that Target is now selling glitter-filled unicorn ice-cream. This is the fulfillment of all of my inner ten year old dreams. I will be purchasing this ice-cream in the near future, but back to the moms (and lets not leave out the few dads we have).

A few posts really stuck with me. For example one mommy’s toddler discovered his *weewee (*technically called the gomer). That in itself wasn't all that funny, however when he asked her “Mom, can you tell me why my penis isn't squishy?” I lost it.

Another mom let us all know how her week was going by posting a picture of her adorable infant (more commonly known as a tiny terror). He was covered nearly to his chest in runny baby poo that had blasted its way up and out of the diaper. I had to laugh because my son never pooped a diaper that it didn't go straight up, out of the diaper waist and straight up his back to his hairline. I wish I were making that up. I am not.

For Easter, I have seen so many chocolate dicks in bright plastic eggs that I am inspired to try to find one of my own. I’d probably send one to my mom because that's the kind of thoughtful person she raised.

Someone’s grandpa bought a toy microphone off the internet for the grandkid. Turned out to be a big black vibrator. Both grandpa and the kid have been using it to sing into.

Vibrators are a big deal with this group. For instance there is a sign one lady posted that she is going to make for her home. it reads: “Please don't knock on my door to talk about God… I don't knock on your door to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?” She has a point.

So, for whatever reason, these ladies have accepted me as one of their own. I don't sew diapers, and have no one to diaper if i did. I have no children currently living with me, though I do have a one year old niece who poops in my tub everytime I give her a bath, so maybe that counts. They make me remember the good times I had raising my kids and they make me laugh about all the jerky stuff and insane crap my kids did over the years. I will say this; I wish there had been a group around like this when I was raising my tinys. They say it takes a village, and as I learned, it does.  

Ladies and gents, thank you for all the laughs and caring. Thank you for supporting each other and not being judgemental when a mommy hides in the bathroom to pee and sneak a glass of wine. Thank you for building each other up and caring about one another. There's a lot of laughs and there's some heartbreak too. Either way, these women make my day.

Thanks for reading. I’m off to find unicorn glitter ice-cream!

The Corpse in My Fridge

A corpse was in my refrigerator. At least that's the way it smelled.

For the last few days, when anyone opened the fridge door, a small whiff of something unpleasant would waft up my nose. Nothing horrible, just a slight smell that made me think, hmmm. I knew some leftover or something must have gotten pushed to the back but I wasn't terribly concerned about it. I figured I’d run across it in the next day or two and throw out the offending item. I never ran across it.

Yesterday, my darling Richy sent me a text that he had cleaned out the entire fridge looking for the smell. He cleaned out all the leftovers, checked all the produce, and threw away anything expired. I was so happy that he had done this distasteful chore for me, I was saved by my knight in shining armor. Richy had conquered the Fridge Beast and all was right with the world again.

Except that it wasn't all right in the world again. This morning, Richy and I woke up, figured out what planet we were on and what year it was as our hearts started to gradually beat in our chests. We cleaned the sleep crust from our eyes and began to raid the fridge for Diet Coke and breakfast food.  Oh Jaysus, Mary and Joseph! What was that smell? It made my eyes water! It was like someone had hidden a body in my refrigerator in the middle of summer during a power outage. I had had enough.

Then it dawned on me what i had seen last weekend when we bought groceries. Two bags of frozen vegetables had, for whatever reason, been relegated to the crisper drawer in the fridge. I avoid confrontation like the plague so when I saw them there, I just left them in lieu of moving the veggies back to the freezer and possibly having to explain why I did it. Turns out this was a bad idea.

I opened that drawer and picked up a bag of unfrozen lima beans. I reluctantly sniffed the bag and it didn't have a smell, so I thought maybe I was wrong about it being the frozen vegetables. This led me to be less cautious when smelling bag number two. I picked up the second bag and took a big strong smell, accidentally touching the bag to my nose.

I nearly died. My gag reflex went into overdrive and I nearly threw up. In fact I gagged so hard that I peed just a little. Not to mention I had touched this bag to my nose, so now the stench was actually cold and wet and up my nostrils. Now Im gagging and peeing on myself and having a true drama queen moment while Richy looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't crazy. This particular veggie bag wasn't simply vegetables like the lima beans had been. This was one of those frozen vegetables with some sort of sauce in it. Apparently that sauce is made out of dead panda assholes and pickled possum feet and if you let it get warmer than freezing it will put off an odor that would kill a horse.

We were finally able to bag and seal both bags of mushy vegetables and get them to the outside garbage. They put up a good fight, but in the end we conquered the rogue produce and evicted them from the house.

They say you learn something new everyday. Well, this time, they were right. I learned two important lessons: 1. NEVER put frozen items in the fridge unless you are going to use them immediately, and 2. Sometimes confrontation is necessary especially if it involves improperly stored food.   

Gimli the Giant

Today's blog is dedicated to a most faithful companion, a distinguished friend, and soldier through life. This honor belongs to one, Gimli; a black miniature schnauzer with the personality of a giant. He was my mother’s best friend and consistent love for the last fifteen years. Gimli crossed into his next big adventure on Sunday at about ten in the morning. He was surrounded by all the love and gratitude anyone, person or fur-person, could ever ask for.

There isnt much to say, after all, Gimli was stoic and silent most of his dignified life. So I thought I would let pictures of this amazing friend tell his story.

Gimli, you were a giant among us.

Now those words, those shouts and that face faded away, far away, until they were lost in the wind... Now he saw before himself a limitless plain, a flower-filled meadow, and he heard a dog barking, but this was not the dark howling of Cererus the watchdog - it was Peritas! He was running toward him, mad with joy just like the day when he had returned from exile, and then across the endless prairie came a thunderous gallop and suddenly an echoing neigh. It was Bucephalus running toward him with his mane blowing in the wind, and he climed astride him just as he had done that day in Mieza. And he shouted, "Go, Bucephalus!" And the steed set off, like some burning Pegasus, in a reckless gallop toward the final horizon, toward the infinite light.