Sunday, August 31, 2014

This is a real downer

Writing this blog used to make me feel brilliant. Not that anything I had to say was particularly smart or witty, but because people chose to read it. I mean, when you think about it, the idea that I had any views at all was spectacular considering there are about 7 billion people on this planet, and many write books and many write blogs and I believe a lot of people write a little bit of something every now and then, and out of all of the things in the world to read a person would choose to take five minutes out of his or her day and read what I had to say. How amazing is that? There are tons of smart, funny, sophisticated writers in the world, but some people thought “Hey, I'm going to see what Theresa has to say today”. The idea of that always astounded me. When I started getting a few thousand page views, I felt like a total celebrity! It's silly, I know, but it always made me feel good. Also, I have met some wonderful people online and have very much enjoyed reading their thoughts and views and recipes and stories. So, why can't I get my act together and write like I used to?
Sometimes, there are things in life that happen, that are so bad, one begins to doubt their own soul. One major catastrophe in my personal life led to another which led to another, which led to yet another. So many bad things happened to my family in a span of about six months that it has made me question my judgment, my sanity, my heart and whether or not I am fit to be around other human beings. I am writing about this because I find it easier to write than to talk.
Talking is exhausting. Friends and family are so eager to talk about everything and every little detail. I don't enjoy talking anyway. I have begun to learn that from childhood on, when I talk, no one listens. I am either considered too stupid to know what I'm talking about or too unsophisticated to have anything worth listening to. It isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way I have always been perceived and probably always will. I'm not a person that jumps into a conversation feet first. I usually sit and listen for a long time before making any remarks, just so I am certain that I know what I'm talking about. I like to get a feel for the tone of the conversation and decide whether or not the group is receptive to new ideas or not. There are many times I have will be challenged in a view or a memory or an opinion. I like this very much unless I know that the person or persons I am speaking with are so firm in their beliefs that it will do me no good to share a different viewpoint. In those conversations I just have to say “Okay, you're right” and let it go at that. I have no idea why I have veered off onto this rabbit trail, I apologize.
My original point was, that talking can be tiresome and frankly, lately, I've been too lazy to put much effort into talking or anything else. Including this blog. I am so sorry to any person who has picked this to read today. I am writing on a Sunday, so I am hoping not very many people will be around to read this self indulgent entry.
I do want to get back to writing this on a daily, or maybe every other day basis to start with. It has brought me so much joy over the time I had faithfully worked on it. I got to laugh at my own ridiculous situations and it gave me something to be proud of.
Maybe that's what the matter is. I just don't feel proud of anything anymore. I feel like I let my family down and especially let my daughter down. I let myself down and I let down people I love more than I love myself. I have taken a positive step and gotten a therapist, and I'm hoping to get better soon. It's odd, I've even stopped looking in mirrors because I don't like what I see. That sounds terribly dramatic like something out of a Victorian novel, and my brain knows it's an absurd behavior, but when I try and look up for a second, I'm repulsed by what I see and I look down again. I plan on covering this in my next therapy session as I can't imagine people will be willing to be seen with me in public much longer, at least not without expecting a bribe.
What I mean to say is this: my next several posts are likely to be soppy and self absorbed and whiny and even angry. I have avoided writing because I wanted to avoid any posts like that. It's too hard for me to pop up with a cute post as if nothing were the matter and try to make myself laugh when I really am not laughing at all right now. I wrote on this blog everyday for so long, I feel like I was sharing my life with whoever reads this. I know I don't have to share everything in a public forum, but this blog has been a natural extenuation of my thoughts. So instead of stuffing my thoughts, I am going to write them out-loud, and share them and not worry about whether anyone is reading this or not. Eventually, I will get better and I'll find funny things again once I start leaving the house so that funny things can happen to me, and I'll share those things. And eventually I'll remember that life is really just a bunch of weird random snapshots that are generally silly and fun if you look at it the right way. I'll remember that and I'll laugh until I do that horrid snort that sometimes pops out. That will feel so good. I haven't snorty-laughed in so long that I don't remember the last time I did it. Until then, bear with me and if you continue to read, thank you for sharing this journey with me.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

Grand Re-Opening!

Hello everyone! I have been out since February, because the heart had been burned out of me for a while by someone who I'd trusted for a decade of my life and my children's lives. I won't go into detail. I have been thinking so much about writing this blog lately though, and realized it brought me so much joy. I will not let that joy be removed from my life, so I am coming out of my half year of depression and anger to begin again. I have removed this Tiberius (see Suetonius' Life of Tiberius, in his Lives of the Caesars) from my life and it's high time I remove him from my brain. So, that being said, I hope you will bear with me through a few messy blogs until I get back in the habit of writing the less messy blogs you all seemed to like!
One thing I am excited to report is my not so new now, but new, apartment! I really love this place! It has beautiful nine foot ceilings, hard wood floors throughout except the hallway and is so much bigger than my old house! It's one of those giant homes they built in the early 1920's (I think) and it was converted into 4 apartments. I don't know that it would have qualified as a mansion back then, but if it was still one home, I have no idea what I would do with the other ¾ of the house. I suppose though, if I could afford this as one home, I could afford to fill it with all sorts of lovely antiques and stuff from Restoration Hardware. I know the bathroom is a funny thing to really like in a house, but I do love my bathroom! It still has the tiles from the '20's tiling the floor. It is that really small tile, maybe 1” x1” in white and bright blue, laid tile by tiny tile in there. It has 9 rooms and I have had a lot of fun decorating just as I please in it.
Yesterday I bought an older Crown Vic car from a taxi stand that is going out of business. I kind of hope they leave the taxi light on. I feel like Phoebe from Friends, driving around in a big taxi. Unfortunately it isn't yellow, but with the decals and the light, it should still be fun! I suppose if they take the light off, I'll have to remove the decals and go with the undercover cop car look. It'll be fun to freak out people on the interstate! Either way, it works great and I'm very happy to have paid cash for it and not have a car payment.
As a bonus, my wonderful best friend, Kandi, came in last night and gave me an impromptu early birthday party! I got balloons, cheese cake with candles, the strangest assortment of gifts ever, and she brought the best props! We put on fake mustaches and took pictures (she looks like Charlie Chaplin)! We had chalkboard signs and wrote weird messages on them and took pictures of each other; at one point we smeared our eye makeup down our faces and wrote Why Me in a thought bubble above our heads. We watched the Betty White show, the old black and white one, about a day in the life of Elizabeth! That was just genius! We had a lovely dinner from a place called Fatz, and I think the waitress was the best part of it, really. We stayed up until 5:30 this morning doing this stuff, acting like we were 15 years old again! It was great, though I realized I am getting too old for this all night party stuff!

Think of Waldo's parent's, they must be worried sick.