*Today's blog is not for those under
18. So, go away. Shoo. There, I've
done all I can do
So when people ask me what I gave my
daughter on her birthday party, I can say with pride, a reason to
have a therapist. Not every parent is able to give their child this
gift, and I can understand that. I, however, happen to be one of the
few lucky ones blessed enough to be able to give this to my daughter
even though she's only sixteen.
It kind of started out as her fault,
really. That's my story anyway. She was texting her brother – on
her new phone, now that it's September – and he asked her if she
was going over to her boyfriend's house after the party. She said
yes and kids being what they are today, he started making
birthday-sex jokes. Now, this would normally freak a parent out, but
I don't have a normal teenage daughter. She actually worries me
because she isn't into sex or drugs or weird music or drinking or any
of the things I was actually prepared to handle. Nope, she's just
well behaved and there was nothing in the child psychology books I
read when she was little about that. I was prepared for Teenzilla!
She's more responsible than I am.
So, anyway, her brother is making
birthday-sex jokes about her and her boyfriend, and she's texting
back things like, “yeah, you know me, we're going to have a wild
night”. Then they start up with her needing to wear protection
because they don't want to get the boyfriend pregnant, ha ha!”
Keep in mind, both her and her boyfriend are virgins and – at this
point anyway – intend to stay that way until marriage. So she's
tossing crude sexual banter back at her brother and I, being the
parent that I am, say “Why don't you ask Keli if you can borrow his
strap-on”. Now, I know Keli would know what this is, because kids
these days just know way more than they are supposed to. They
generally know more than adults these days. My kids and I have
always had a bizarre sense of humor and we joke about things, that
probably should not be joked about between kids and parents, but
that's our kind of relationship. So, Alexis looks at me in a
perplexed manner and says “Strap-on? What, like a feed sack for
donkeys? You have to tie it on?” She still looks confused and I
say, “You know, a strap-on.” I realize at that point that she is
picturing a strap-on condom. I realize this because she says “why
would you need to strap a condom on? What, it's gonna come off?”
Oh God. Well, now I've stepped in it. She's picturing a feed sack
for donkeys, and I'm way off. Now, I have
to explain this device to her in a way that won't blow her innocent
mind. So I explain it this way: “sometimes when two women love
each other... they want to express that love... so they... need
something... to... help... feed the donkey”. Oh. My. God. She
gets it then and sort of – gags.
So, that's what I
gave my daughter for her birthday. I gave her a mental picture she
can never get out of her head. A lifetime of scarring brought to her
by her mother. This is prime Dr. Phil stuff. I can just see it now:
Me: But Dr. Phil,
we've always just joked around like that.
Dr. Phil: And
how's that working for you?
Me: I didn't mean
to, you know – I thought she knew! (I'm sobbing)
Dr.
Phil: You though she knew?
What kind of mother are you?
Me: A HORRIBLE
one. (I run off the stage crying)
So, yeah. Please
write in when you see me on the show. I'd like to at least think I
made good ratings.
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